


Our Secret Letters

by Hyungwons



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Domestic, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, but it's still only a small section of the fic that has any angst, mostly just domestic fluffy hyungwonho though, slightly implied showhyuk, so i refuse to believe it's anything more than light angst, supposedly the angst is really heavy actually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-03
Updated: 2016-12-03
Packaged: 2018-09-06 05:14:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8736220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hyungwons/pseuds/Hyungwons
Summary: Hoseok didn't even think a love letter would do so much, but in the end it became their memories.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is 100% fluff don't even worry about it it's okay.

The scratching of the pen on paper was much more prominent in his mind than he remembered it ever being before, drilling into the very back of his head and with it a small headache. Hoseok was a seventeen year old student with the dream of an author, yet there he was unable to string together a few simple words and sentences to fill more than a single line on the card. He would tap his pen occasionally, the ink running dry every now and then and he swore it was to spite him.

 

He would find everything wrong with the small note over and over again, all trivial things to use as an excuse to crumble the letter up in his fists and toss it away. He adjusted his own handwriting multiple times during the weeks he spent trying to put his feelings down into words on paper, but it seemed like the whole world was against him and he cursed it every chance he got.

 

He wrote many short stories before when sleep just wouldn’t come to him, he would be up all night under the dim, pathetic light the lamp on the desk beside his bed provided and jotting down all the emotions of the people in his head, giving them stories and a world and a smile, and he would bring them all to life with just a few strokes of his pen and a few pages of paper. But there he sat at his desk, trying to write down his own feelings and he just couldn’t. He felt lost. It felt like there were no words to explain how _he_ feels. How his world is so full of colour, shining every hue at once and every shade imaginable whenever he was even near to _him_. To Chae Hyungwon.

 

Hoseok felt a little cliché and maybe a little pathetic that he was trying to write a love letter when he passed by the student every day, and he has several times before. He’s spent lunch with him before as well. And every time he’s near to him Hoseok swore that everything else would slow down, that time itself would count down the seconds slower just to give them more time together. And Hoseok was certain that nothing in the world glowed as beautifully and as brightly as Hyungwon’s eyes. He felt sick sometimes at how he saw Hyungwon because every time he thinks of the future, it terrifies him to see it without Hyungwon. He didn’t want to leave Hyungwon, he didn’t want someone else at his side. He figured time would heal that just has it does everything else, but he’s scared to have to go through that at all.

 

Everything he wanted to say was in his head, it was there on the tip of his tongue and even the tips of his fingers. It was all there in the way he moved and flicked his wrist as he guided the pen over the paper, but it was never there in the ink on the paper. It was never enough and it was never right.

 

Hoseok could be talking with Hyungwon, he could be watching how his lips moved and how he smiled and how his eyes just seemed to light up as he would study all his medical books every second he could spare. And in those moments Hoseok knew he could sit there, staring at him, and he could pour out everything he felt and how his whole body just seems so light yet his chest would tighten whenever he was with Hyungwon. He could string together every word so perfectly and he could get it all across, and he could sit there for hours telling Hyungwon everything that is perfect about him and he could hope Hyungwon would do the same. That Hyungwon would stop him mid sentence just tell him his writing is perfect, that he would become an author one day and that just looking in his eyes could make Hyungwon’s day better.

 

But when he’s at his desk, doing what he did best and writing what he wrote best, Hoseok just couldn’t do it. He could describe how Hyungwon makes him feel, so why can’t he on paper?

 

\---

 

It took him months, snow falling on his shoulders and his mouth buried behind a pink scarf and his hands tucked in the pockets of his coat, fingers delicately holding the folded piece of paper so it wouldn’t crease yet his grasp was tight and even had some desperation behind it. It took him months of writing until he felt he had perfected it, and then it took another month for him to gain the courage to neatly fold it over twice and stuff it in his pocket, strolling down the streets to Hyungwon’s house.

 

His friend Hyunwoo had told him to slip it in Hyungwon’s dresser while he was over, let it be a pleasant surprise to him when he found it, but Hoseok wanted to hand it to him himself even if just the very idea of doing that terrified him far beyond anything he’s ever felt, of meeting up with Hyungwon and looking at him as he hands him the paper that he had poured his heart out into writing. It didn’t help that Hoseok never liked love letters, always finding them unpleasantly cheesy and pathetic and even unmoving despite what they were meant to do. But it was writing, it was what he did and what he always wanted to do. It was the only thing he knew. He wasn’t good at speaking or catching on to everyone’s little hints and behaviours, but he could write.

 

He thought he was ready, he thought he had convinced himself a thousand times already to do it. But as he stood outside Hyungwon’s house, his finger on the button for the doorbell, all that courage he had spent months building up and all the walls he used to protect him from the thoughts of rejection or a look of distaste coming from Hyungwon, all crumbled before him. Breaking piece by piece, brick by brick, and he felt so defenceless. _He was defenceless._

 

All Hoseok had was the courage he had forced himself to build up, but with that gone all his fear came creeping back to him, crawling over his skin and under it, attaching itself to his nerves and screaming at him to run. But he used that fear to bring himself to ring the doorbell, knowing that the longer he waited the easier it would become to turn around and run away. Again.

 

He let his fear become his shield as he counted down the seconds as they passed, deciding that if the door wasn’t opened before he reached ten then he’d let himself run away again without any guilt or regrets. And he hoped that the door wouldn’t open before then. He focused so much on counting, on wishing with everything he had that it wouldn’t open, and when he reached ten and peeked his eyes open he wasn’t expecting to see Hyungwon standing before him, his tall figure suddenly making Hoseok feel towered over.

 

“Are you okay? Hoseok?” That familiar sweet and gentle voice called to him and Hoseok realised that Hyungwon must’ve been trying to snap him out of his trance for a while. It was hard to even look at him when he felt his defences breaking again and his legs shaking, threatening to turn him around and run but he fought to keep them in place. He clutched the paper tighter in his pocket, looking up at Hyungwon and his mouth opening and closing as he tried to even find any words to say.

 

“You should come inside, you’ll catch a cold.” Hyungwon wrapped his arms around himself, his long, thick sweater that was definitely several sizes too big for him from the looks of it and how the hem hung down well to his thighs and the sleeves far past even his fingers

 

“N-No… I…” he paused, finally pulling the paper out of his pocket, holding it with both hands so he wouldn’t lose it, so it wouldn’t slip from his shaky grasp. “I wanted t-to give you… this.” It took him several seconds to even hand the paper to Hyungwon, not being able to look him in the eye as he took it with brows stitched together.

 

But the second he saw Hyungwon start to open it, he frantically shook his head and stumbled over his words just to get him to stop. “P-Please… Open it when I’m not here.” Hyungwon gave a nod, a confused one and hesitate one, but a nod nonetheless. And Hoseok nodded as well, whispering a little ‘okay’ under his breath for himself, telling himself it’s over and done with and he can stop worrying and maybe the next day if he’s lucky Hyungwon will tell him how he feels. And he was already preparing himself for rejection, letting himself break instead as he prepared for the worst all just to destroy his hopes so they couldn’t destroy him later.

 

But it’s not the next day he saw Hyungwon, and it wasn’t the day after that either. Hoseok spent a week ignoring Hyungwon’s phone calls, not ready to hear his voice and definitely not ready to hear how his voice would shake as he tells him that he doesn’t feel the same way. And he didn’t want to hear Hyungwon apologise over and over again for not being able to return his feelings. That isn’t way he gave him that letter.

 

Hoseok spent that week thinking over his letter again, having memorised it word for word and beating himself up over it. He thought of a million different ways he could’ve worded everything to make it better, and he spent some nights not even having the motivation to write anything at all. Like all his willpower had been sucked right out of him and he was just an empty shell still lingering on those dreams of being an author. 

 

He hated that he had become like that, he felt weak and vulnerable and he hated that even more. But still he found himself hanging onto one single thread of hope that he wasn’t able to cut the week before as he pulls open the door of his apartment just to see Hyungwon standing there with a gift-wrapped box in hand. He ignored the calls from his parents asking who was at the door and instead let himself drown in the way Hyungwon looked at him and the way he smiled at him that full and bright smile he wore so very often.

 

“Finally,” Hyungwon said under his breath. Hoseok was surprised Hyungwon was there after he ignored all his phone calls and avoided seeing him at all. He wouldn’t even hang out with Hyunwoo in fear that Hyungwon would be with him as well. And he ignored all the times Minhyuk scolded him to just say something to Hyungwon, to give him a chance to at least try to love him if he was willing to try (and of course he had to put up with all of Minhyuk’s lectures to especially not ignore Hyunwoo like that, even throwing a couple of empty threats at Hoseok that just made them both laugh instead).

 

Hoseok stood there frozen just staring at him and unable to find any words, but he didn’t need to.

 

“You wouldn’t answer your cell so I figured I’d just come over instead.” Hyungwon looked down at the box in hand and let out a sigh, scratching the back of his head and shifting most of his weight to one leg. “It’s really stupid but I’m not as good a writer as you so… here.”

 

“What is it?” As Hoseok took it from him he noticed it was much lighter than it looked.

 

“I didn’t know what you liked so I just got you this rabbit plushie I saw. It’s dumb I know,” there was a laugh from Hyungwon but it cut short as he let out another sigh instead, obviously uncomfortable. Hoseok could already tell how this was gonna play out and he didn’t know if he’d be able to take it.

 

“You didn’t have to get me anything. And you don’t have to apologise, you can just say no. I’ll understand,” his voice hushed as he spoke because really, he wasn’t ready.

 

He didn’t catch how Hyungwon smiled softly, he missed it because he just didn’t have the courage to look up at him anymore. But when Hyungwon reached for his hand, taking it in his, Hoseok lifted his head so fast and he was captivated by the admiration in Hyungwon’s eyes even faster. It was like a chill sparking through him, running up his spine and right to his brain, shooting through every nerve. It was like an adrenaline rush, a blood rush; everything spiking through him from every vein. All because of that touch, all because of that smile.

 

“Yes.”

 

Hoseok had barely even heard him, his ears ringing and fighting to drown out everything else.

 

“The question at the end of your letter? About if I could ever try to love you? The answer is _yes_.” All it took was Hyungwon’s explanation for Hoseok’s legs to shake, his knees ready to give out right from under him. “Except I’m already past having to ‘try’,” Hyungwon added, his cheeks flushing a red almost as bright as the one on Hoseok’s cheeks. And his smile is so bright, brighter than Hoseok has ever seen it before.

 

He forgets that at any second someone could pass by in the hall outside his apartment or that his family could come to check up on him to see what was taking him so long as he throws himself at Hyungwon. It took only one step to close the space between them and have his arms around his neck, pulling Hyungwon close as he dropped his forehead to Hyungwon’s shoulder. Or maybe he didn’t care if someone walked past.

 

It took Hyungwon a few seconds to react, to wrap his arms delicately around Hoseok and keep him close.

 

\---

 

There’s music playing somewhere in the background coming from one of the bedrooms in the house. Classical music, just like Hyungwon wanted.

 

Hoseok hurried into the living with two large boxes, his breathing heavy and his throat dry as he was becoming exhausted. He spotted Hyungwon already on the couch, already taking a break and his head leaned back against the top with his eyes closed. “Really?” Hoseok called, raising a brow at him as he gave a hard slap to Hyungwon’s knee, resulting in the the brunet to let out a rather high-pitched scream and his reflexes aimed a kick right at Hoseok’s shin. Fortunately, he missed.

 

“You’re seriously falling asleep already?”

 

Hyungwon slumped down in the couch, folding his arms over his chest and giving a pout. The sight was rather childish especially with the addition of his over-sized sweater, something even at the age of twenty-four Hyungwon was still obsessed with.

 

“I just carried in all your damn medical books for you and here you are dozing off?” Hoseok shook his head, aiming another playful slap to Hyungwon’s knee and chuckling as he watched him inch away in just a split second. “Did you at least pick a colour for the study?”

 

Hyungwon’s glares threw a few daggers in Hoseok direction every couple of seconds and each one Hoseok blocked with a laugh. He took a seat beside Hyungwon, patting his knee gently and allowed for Hyungwon to rest his head on his shoulder.

 

“We’ll unpack tomorrow then. But I was thinking of just a nice shade of pink for the study?” Hoseok brought his hand over to Hyungwon’s, their fingers slotting between each other like they were made for each other. And maybe they were.

 

“I’ll be in the study most of the time anyway, so I should get to pick the colour. Besides,” Hoseok reached over for the pink rabbit doll beside him on the couch, one of the first things they brought in to their new home, “this’ll look good with the pink walls as well, I think.” He smiled at the doll, playing with one of the ears though very delicately after the many number of times it had to be restitched just to keep the doll together.

 

He felt something on his hand and he peeked over just in time to see Hyungwon fiddling with the ring on his finger. And Hoseok smiled at it with him. “I did pick out the best rings, I gotta say.” Hyungwon raised his hand, letting the silver ring on his left hand shine beautifully under the light, appearing to shine every colour at once in Hoseok’s eyes. Like it was magic, like it held some kind of power. And to them it did.

 

They’d only been married for a week and they often made jokes about marrying so young and how they ‘just weren’t ready’. But in truth neither of them could see themselves with anyone else and they had been together for so many years and have had shared an apartment already even through college. But there was nowhere else they’d rather be than right there with each other.

 

Hyungwon let his hand drop back to his lap, sighing as he straightened himself and smiled at Hoseok. “I’m gonna take a quick nap, see if you at least chose a comfortable bed.” Capturing Hoseok’s lips in a quick kiss, Hyungwon stood from the couch with a relaxing stretch of his arms.

 

Hoseok shook his head, putting the doll down again as he figured he could at least unpack a few things, starting to feel encaged by all the mountains of stacked boxes that filled the house still. “‘Night, Doctor.”

 

“Just nurse!” Hyungwon called before the click of the bedroom door was heard

 

\---

 

“I want the black one.”

 

“You want them all, Hyungwon.”

 

“Oh? And you don’t?”

 

“Yeah, but I have self-control.”

 

“But what about this tortie over here?” Hyungwon poked his finger through the cage right next to the tortoiseshell kitten, catching its attention and watching it stumble over to his finger to nibble at it.

 

“This one looks like a little troublemaker,” Hoseok added, leaning forward to the height of the cage on the stand so he can be eye-level with the four kittens within the cage.

 

“Don’t be rude just ‘cause you’re jealous,” Hyungwon bit back with a glare before turning back to the kittens. He greeted the small kitten (obviously a runt) with a high-pitched ‘hi there’ and watched as her tail shot up straight in excitement.

 

Standing up again with a chuckle, he stared at Hyungwon in disbelief. “ _Jealous?_ How am I jealous?” Hoseok raised a brow at his husband, folding his arms over his chest and shifting his weight to one leg.

 

“Because there’s finally something cuter than you.” Peeking up at Hoseok, Hyungwon gave him a smile when he noticed the slight hint of red on his face.

 

It was nearly their first anniversary and they both agreed that having a cat around would be just what they needed. They hadn’t thought ahead what kind of cat they wanted, figuring they would just go there and pick one, but that seemed impossible as every kitten Hyungwon saw he would blurt out “This one! I want this one!” and Hoseok would stand back and watch with a smile as Hyungwon played with the small creature through the bars of their cage and watch as he laughed at their little squeaks and mewls.

 

“Which one?” Hoseok asked, not tearing his eyes away from the creatures.

 

“How can you just choose between them, though? Look how happy and excited they are! I want to take them _all_ home and don’t tell me we don’t have the room for them.” Hyungwon looked at Hoseok beside him and glared, daring him to say something.

 

“We can’t take them all home though, that’s too many.”

 

“Hoseok, I don’t care if you’re my husband I will still crush you if you try to stop me.”

 

Hoseok pulled away from the cages and stood up, putting his hands on his waist and sighing. “ _One_.” Hyungwon gave him the most terrified and hurt look he had ever seen, like with just one small word he had crushed his entire world and with it all his hopes as well. “...For now,” he gave in but he only regretted it for a second when he saw Hyungwon pout instead.

 

“Two.”

 

“One.”

 

“ _Two_. Or I’m not going home,” Hyungwon threatened.

 

“And where are you gonna go?”

 

“Minhyuk’s. He’d help me in buying this whole shelter at least. Unlike _someone_.”

 

Hoseok let out another sigh, looking at the kittens in the cage and how they were trying to claw their way out from between the thin bars so they could reach the bickering couple. “Fine, but only two. You’re already spoiled enough.”

 

Hyungwon immediately brightened up, letting a small embarrassing squeak that made Hoseok laugh as Hyungwon clapped his hands happily. Just like a child, as always. They called over the attendant to get two of the kittens out of the cage, the tortoiseshell and the black one. But while doing so, another cat tried to sneak its way out of the cage as well with its small tail held high but the attendant pushed it back in and locked the cage door, leaving it scared and lost.

 

Within just a split second Hyungwon turned to Hoseok with the saddest eyes, pain flickering inside them and he actually looked ready to cry. Hoseok knew what he wanted and he looked from Hyungwon to the cat and back again. Doing that a few times over before he looked over at the attendant. “One more!” he called.

 

Hyungwon’s pout changed right into a bright smile and he actually wiped away a tear as the employee came back over to get them the small kitten.

 

As they stood at the counter, the three kittens inside carriers for each of them, Hoseok kept noticing that Hyungwon wouldn’t stop staring at the one last kitten in the cage, looking lost without the other three there to play with. Then Hyungwon looked to him, that same sad and scared look on his face as he bit at his lip, looking for the right words.

 

Hoseok knew just what he was gonna ask.

 

“That one’s gonna be lonely without them now…” Hyungwon said in a hushed voice. “...Please? Just… one more?”

 

Hoseok went with Hyungwon to that shelter for one cat, but somehow something happened that had them living with four energetic kittens all mewling in fear in their carriers as Hyungwon drove home. And somehow, Hoseok didn’t really regret it one bit as he watched the smile on Hyungwon’s face when they got home and let the tiny kittens out in the living room and watched as they all cautiously padded their ways around their new home. They were great company anyway, even if having four kittens all trying to destroy their house at once was a pain.

 

\---

 

Hoseok stirred in his sleep, letting out a few groans and throwing himself onto his side. His eyes fluttered open at last and he’s met with the immediate sight of a kitten curled up on his pillow, blurred in the proximity and the darkness. With one quick run of his fingers through the kitten’s fur, he rolled over again onto his back and stared up at the ceiling he couldn’t even make out in the darkness.

 

“Are you okay?” a voice called in the darkness, surprising Hoseok but he peeked to his side to see a still half-asleep Hyungwon looking at him with concern flickering behind his sleep deprived eyes.

 

Rolling onto his side to face his husband, Hoseok couldn’t stop the smile that tugged on his lips at just the sight of his face, the sound of his voice, and the relief that washed over him. “Y-Yeah, I’m fine. Just a bad dream is all. Go back to sleep.”

 

Hyungwon would always get pissed if someone woke him up or if he so much as is woken up in the middle of the night by a sound. So Hoseok found it both hilarious and cute that when it came to him, Hyungwon would always wake up with a smile even if he was barely awake at all. “What happened? Do you wanna… talk about it?” He propped himself up on his elbow, groaning and rubbing sleep from his eyes as he smiled at Hoseok.

 

“It’s… nothing really.” Hoseok didn’t really want to think of it again, but hearing Hyungwon’s concern and knowing that he’s there right beside him like that made it okay. It made everything okay. “It was just… lonely and terrifying because you just disappeared… I didn’t know what to do and I got… scared.”

 

He kept his gaze low, feeling a little silly about it all now that he’s said it aloud. But he heard a low chuckle from Hyungwon instead and he peeked up to see a soft smile across his face and a hand patting the small space between them on the bed.

 

“Come here,” he mumbled through a yawn. Hoseok pushed himself towards Hyungwon and felt his arms wrap around him immediately, one around his waist to keep him close and one on the back of his head with his fingers dragging through his hair and soft, gentle strokes. “I’m not going anywhere except wherever you go, okay?”

 

Hyungwon’s barely awake yet he still knew all the right things to say. He pressed his lips to Hoseok’s, moving them together so softly and it felt like the world was nothing but them. It felt like magic and it made Hoseok feel light again, it made him feel warm and it made everything concern of his just wash away.

 

Hyungwon pressed their foreheads together and Hoseok felt light again. It didn’t matter how many years they’re together because he would always get all giddy whenever Hyungwon held him that close. And Hyungwon would still get all shy at all of Hoseok’s cheesy words and actions meant just for him and his smiles. No matter how many times they heard each other laugh and saw each other smile, they’d still compliment it. They’d still compliment how cute the other sounded when they laughed or how much their smiles shine.

 

They really only needed each other.

 

Hoseok placed a quick peck on Hyungwon’s lips again, stealing one last kiss for himself, watching as he smiled and his eyes slipped closed again. “Thank you,” he whispered, hearing a low chuckle from Hyungwon and his arms just wrapped around him tighter, holding him close. Hoseok slid himself down in Hyungwon’s embrace just to rest his head against his chest, feeling the rise and fall rhythm of his breathing and drifting back off to sleep by the sound of his snores and the warmth of his body.

 

\---

 

“Hoseok! Have you seen the cat anywhere?”

 

Hoseok let out a sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose as Hyungwon bursted into the study unexpectedly and loudly, disturbing his concentration on writing. “No, I haven’t. Why?”

 

“I can only find two of them…”

 

Hoseok stood from his desk, making sure to save his written draft just in case before following Hyungwon in search of the two missing creatures.

 

It’s been two years they’ve had the cats and Hoseok nor Hyungwon would ever lie and say that it wasn’t filled with some difficulties dealing with four energetic kittens who always found their own ways to cause trouble and break things and ruin a few perfectly good phone chargers in the process. Not to mention a few illnesses that had them both calling every animal clinic they could find at three in the morning. But they wouldn’t trade them for anything and the good and cute moments outweighed the bad by many..

 

But here they both are, searching everywhere they can for the two lost cats of theirs.

 

Whilst looking under the couch, Hoseok called to Hyungwon who was currently trying to peek behind the TV entertainment centre. “Have you eaten today?”

 

“No, why?”

 

Hoseok pulled away, looking up at Hyungwon with stitched brows and lips in a tight line. “It’s nearly seven o’clock and you haven’t even eaten? Not even lunch?”

 

“No.” Hyungwon looked at him with a confused expression, as though he wasn’t sure why it was such a big deal.

 

“You’ve barely eaten anything these past few weeks.” Hoseok stood up in worry and looked his husband up and down. He had gotten much skinnier that week which was saying something considering he was already far too thin. “I’ll start dinner now and you’re gonna eat.”

 

“I’m not hungry, though.”

 

“You’re going to eat something.” Hoseok wandered into the kitchen and pulled open the overhead cabinets to see what they even had, failing to notice it was already ajar. He’s surprised to find two cats inside, the boxes of cereal knocked over, and the bag of cat food ripped into. “Hyungwon, dear?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I found the cats.”

 

\---

 

It’s only a late summer afternoon, Hyungwon is only twenty-seven years old and their third anniversary had just passed by a month prior, but Hoseok walks in after shopping for dinner for the night and his voice called through the house, announcing that he’s home. Hoseok walked in, seeing Hyungwon fast asleep across the couch with two of the kittens cuddled on his lap and a movie on the TV. He quickly put the groceries away in the kitchen and returned to his husband to wake him up, poking his shoulder a few times until he stirred.

 

“H…Hoseok?” Hyungwon called, still dreaming almost.

 

“‘Morning there, sweetie,” Hoseok said with such a soft voice, so gentle and quiet. “Have you eaten yet?”

 

“No… No…” Hyungwon was stumbling over his words, repeating them even. Hoseok blamed the sleep.

 

“Have you taken your meds yet?”

 

“N-No I… haven’t… I ha-haven’t.”

 

“You constantly complain when you’re sick but then you don’t take the medication.” Hoseok straightened up with a sigh, heading to the bathroom to get Hyungwon’s medicine for him. Just two pills. And he quickly grabbed a glass of water for him as well before placing the pills in his hand. “Come on, you’re not gonna get better if you don’t take them.”

 

With a sound of disgust, Hyungwon dropped the pills in his mouth and quickly took a drink of the water to help wash them down.

 

\---

 

It was only 4:30 in the morning but Hyungwon’s sleep was interrupted. He woke in a cold sweat that stung at his skin. Careful to not wake Hoseok (who had been cuddled up against his arm with both of his around it) Hyungwon slowly pulled himself from the bed as carefully and quietly as he could. The kittens stirred in their sleep at the foot of the bed but Hyungwon couldn’t even really make out their shapes in the darkness.

 

Never when he woke up in the middle of the night does he stumble out of bed so quickly, but that time he quite literally stumbled out, nearly falling to his knees as he tried to stand. He felt dizzy, his vision was spinning and his knees shook. Blood was rushing to his head even as he stood and he hurried to bathroom to take his medication and hoped that it would work.

 

He practically pulled everything out of the medicine cabinet in the blur of his vision before he was able to get hold of the bottle. Just before his knees gave way underneath him, he dropped himself to the floor slowly, letting himself slide down the sink and popped in a pill with a quick swallow, opting for some water right after from the faucet to help wash it down.

 

It was then that he wasn’t sure the medication was helping and he questioned if it was just making him worse.

 

\---

 

Hyungwon never had trouble sleeping before, always being able to fall asleep in the middle of anything if given more than a few minutes. But when he was taken off the medication that just wasn’t helping him and prescribed something else, he found it nearly impossible to sleep. He was being plagued by insomnia and lashing out at Hoseok during his most depressed and irritable moments of being sleep deprived was nothing uncommon by then.

 

He’d always apologise, no matter his mood and no matter if he had already broken out in tears, he’d still apologise for raising his voice, for telling the only person who stuck with him through everything to go away.

 

Then eventually as the sleeping pills began to work and he’d be back to sleeping peacefully, he’d smile and Hoseok would think it’s all okay, that Hyungwon’s getting better. But it’s months later only that Hoseok thought back to those smiles and wondered if they only were there because Hyungwon knew what was to come.

 

And then Hoseok would begin to wonder if Hyungwon knew that in just a few months he’d peek his eyes open, a groan slipping past his lips, and he’d feel lost.

 

Absolutely lost and vulnerable.

 

“Hey there, sweetie,” Hoseok called and Hyungwon looked over at him with a bit of confusion clouded in his already rather hazy eyes as he was seated in the chair. Hyungwon should’ve been used to seeing that every time he woke up by then. 

 

Seeing Hoseok beside his hospital bed.

 

“Have you eaten?”

 

Hyungwon nodded. “And you? Have you… eaten?” He was slow to speak and his voice was low and harsh, but Hoseok didn’t mind. His voice still sounded like an angel’s to him.

 

“Yeah, I did.” Hoseok pulled his letter out of his pocket with a smile, unfolding it. “I also wrote you this. Do you want me to read it to you?”

 

Hyungwon doesn’t nod, he just stared at the card in Hoseok’s hand as though he hadn’t even heard his question. So Hoseok repeated himself but still nothing from Hyungwon but a few blinks. Hoseok read it anyway, hoping that Hyungwon could at least hear him.

 

Just as he finished reading the letter, no reaction from Hyungwon whatsoever, Hyunwoo and Minhyuk walked back into the room with their same smiles as always and Minhyuk’s loud greetings.

 

“How’s he doing?” Hyunwoo asked and Hoseok sighed, unsure how to answer that. Minhyuk went to stand beside Hyungwon’s bed and he smiled down at him, hoping to at least keep him positive. “Have the nurses given him any medication yet?”

 

“I’m not sure but when I came in here I saw one of them leaving his food and adjusting the morphine… Again.”

 

They all pull up a chair in the small room, sitting there in silence to keep Hyungwon company and listening to his delusional and drugged-out state shout nonsense left and right, saying how when he gets home they’re gonna adopt ten more cats and Hoseok agreed with him and added that they can get twenty more cats if Hyungwon wanted. That they could get a bigger house if Hyungwon wanted. A nurse would come in a few times to help him sit up in the bed and he’d always ask for them to let him go home already and that he’s fine. That he just wanted to be with Hoseok and that he missed him and he hated it there. 

 

_He hated it there so much._

 

But they were used to that. They were used to the awkward and painful silences, just listening to the sounds outside the room and Hyungwon’s steady breathing and his harsh, worn out voice. They were used to not knowing what to say, and Hoseok was far too used to hating himself for barely being able to look at his husband.

 

Then Hyungwon called his name in such a quiet voice that Hoseok wasn’t even sure what he had heard anything at all. “Hoseok... H-Hoseok, dear…?”

 

“Yeah?” Hoseok shot up, hurrying to his side.

 

Hyungwon smiled up at him, a look of sadness in his eyes and a hint of it behind his voice. “You’re here.”

 

“Yeah, I’m here.”

 

Hyungwon let out a sigh, looking over to the tray of food and smoothie on the stand beside his bed. “Have you eaten?”

 

“I have.”

 

“Can I have a drink?” he asked and Hoseok hurried to grab his smoothie, holding the straw up to Hyungwon’s mouth and wiping away the bits the dripped out of the corners of his mouth.

 

“Do you like it?”

 

Hyungwon nodded with a small smile, one Hoseok had missed dearly.

 

“I wanna go home… I hate the smell here, it’s nauseating,” Hyungwon muttered, letting his head drop to the side and stared at all the equipment, all the monitors, all that was keeping him alive and making every second painless. But they didn’t help, they just scared him more. “...I miss you so, _so much_.” he said in a low voice and Hoseok grabbed his hand with both of his, rubbing soothing circles over the back of his hand with his thumbs.

 

That was all Hoseok could do, and he hated that he couldn’t do more.

 

“You’re a nurse, you should be used to the smells,” Hoseok added to lighten the mood. Silence fell between them all again, like an angry reminder and a few sharp daggers embedding themselves in Hoseok’s heart. “Hyungwon?”

 

He peeked up at Hoseok, keeping his smile as his gentle touches were actually soothing him.

 

“When you get better soon, you’re gonna come home and we’re gonna blast some classical music through the house and you’re gonna put those dancing lessons to good use and dance with me. Hyunwoo and Minhyuk can come over and everything. We’ll all cook a huge dinner, it can be whatever you have a taste for.”

 

“Something seafood!” Hyungwon cut in, a smile wide on his face.

 

“Seafood it’ll be! You eat as much as you want and I promise not to burn it this time or nearly burn down the kitchen. You can sleep until evening the next day if you want and then we can go back and adopt four more kittens and maybe a puppy if you want.

 

Hyungwon, dear, anything you want, you’ll get it. So, please, get better soon and I’ll be waiting for you at home.” Hoseok leaned close, placing a soft kiss to Hyungwon’s forehead and they both just smiled at each other afterwards. And Hoseok swore that Hyungwon hadn’t smiled like that in forever.

 

“I’d really love that, dear!” Hyungwon was grinning, and it looked so painless. “I miss just sleeping in the bed with you and I can’t wait to have more movie nights where we just cuddle and the cats come to join us, too.”

 

“Just don’t fall asleep ten minutes into the movie next time, please!” Hoseok laughed and there was even a smile chuckle or two from Hyungwon.

 

It was so beautiful. Their laughs were like music to each other’s ears.

 

But behind those smiles, they knew already. And maybe that's why Hyunwoo and Minhyuk watched, saying nothing and wiping at their tears, wondering how they could be so strong. But really Hyungwon and Hoseok weren't sure if putting on those smiles was the easier choice or not.

 

_If only._

 

\---

 

The cold stone surface seemed to suck away at his energy whenever he ran his fingertips over it. He got weaker and weaker as the days went by, but still he smiled every day at the carved in name. “Hey there, sweetie,” he said under his breath, knowing that it’s enough. His voice is barely there, it’s barely been there for weeks. Somewhere between all the tears and screams and moments of rage he let everything be destroyed. But still he smiled. “I brought you these.” He put down a bouquet of flowers, making sure they were neat and undamaged before doing so.

 

“Also, I found this again. I can’t believe you kept it all these years!” Reaching into his pocket, he fished out an old worn out card. “Do you recognise it? It’s the first letter I ever wrote to you! I don’t even remember what it says, it’s been too long.” He opened the blank white card carefully, clearing his throat before reading it all over again (and he realised only then it was just so embarrassing and cheesy). “ _Chae Hyungwon, could you ever try to love me?_ ” he read, a tear rolling down his cheek but a smile still plastered on his face. The memories hit him harder than he had expected and he bit his lip to quiet himself as he folded the letter back up.

 

“Thank you, Hyungwon… for everything.” He inhaled sharply, his body jolting in that same rush of paranoia that he never understood why he got. “Oh!” he did his best to think of something else, to change the subject, “my book is finally going to be published soon! I’m still waiting for my copies but when they arrive I’ll read a chapter to you everyday!

 

And I dedicated it to you, of course.” He wiped away at the tear on his cheek, never wanting to cry in front of Hyungwon and telling himself that he never would. “It’s our fourth anniversary today, y’know.” He sighed, sinking down a little more, twirling the silver ring between his fingers on the necklace he wore. “So… Happy Anniversary, dear!”

 

It hurt to say that. It hurt to spend that year alone, no one at his side. It hurt to go home to an empty house, only the cats to greet him. It hurt to see them, memories always flooding back when he did. It hurt to sleep at night with no one to hold onto him when he’d always end up crying himself to sleep. And it hurt to wake up every morning still hanging onto to some weak thread of hope that it’s just a bad dream again and he’d wake up to see Hyungwon’s sweet, _sweet _smile again. He never did.__

It all happened so suddenly. Everything attacked him so fast and left Hyungwon weak, vulnerable, and broken beyond repair. They didn't have time to figure out what it was themselves before it was eating away at Hyungwon from the inside. And after that it was too late, it was too late when they found out and Hoseok knew there was no saving him, and Hyungwon knew that as well. Even when they said all the things they'd do when he'd got better and they smiled, they knew it'd never happen. But somehow, deluding themselves in that moment was better than facing the truth. Hoseok preferred saying how he and Hyungwon _would_ spend their time together, rather than saying saying he'll miss all their warm embraces and sweet words.

All Hoseok had after that was a large empty house to himself. The stress and depression kept crawling back to him, creeping under his skin and destroying him. His friend Changkyun came by often to make sure he was taking care of himself and to help him take care of the cats as well. Hyunwoo and Minhyuk came as well, always trying to lighten his mood. But no matter what, Hoseok still felt... broken. He didn't feel like he was even there anymore, like every last drop of his energy and soul left with Hyungwon. He was just an empty shell.

Every morning he woke and looked to his side, hoping to see Hyungwon there again, hoping to see his smile. Every day Hoseok still made up the bed for two and refused to sleep in the middle, always sticking to his same side where he's always been. He still woke early every morning to make sure he could wake Hyungwon up on time for work. But then he'd realise he didn't need to anymore. And maybe that's just another thing that broke: he didn't need to anymore. He didn't need to announce when he's home every time but still he did. He didn't need to make dinner for two, but still he did. He no longer could turn on movies at night, cuddle up against Hyungwon and feel his fingers in his hair, petting him off to a gentle sleep. The scariest part of it all was every time it hit him that he'd never again feel Hyungwon's fingers between his or in his hair, that he'd never hear him laugh or smile again, that they'd never make new memories. That they'd never grow old together.

__But still he smiled._ _

**Author's Note:**

> See? 100. Percent. Fluffy. Domestic. Hyungwonho.
> 
> (I belong in hell this fic has proven it and I am sorry.)


End file.
